There’s been a push by legislatures across the country in recent months to level the playing field between divorcing parents; an attempt to improve the odds that interested parents receive fair treatment with regard to division of custodial time.

Research and parenting experts are confirming what people have known anecdotally for years: that joint custody is beneficial to children in the vast majority of cases. Though joint custody may be good for the kids and parents alike, it isn’t always easy to pull off.

Hurt feelings, differing parenting styles and a host of other factors can complicate even the best-laid plans. To find out more about how to successfully navigate a joint custodial arrangement after a Minnesota divorce, keep reading.

Age matters | MN Joint Custody

The first bit of advice to make a joint custody arrangement successful involves creating an age appropriate plan. Though you may think of custody arrangements as one-size-fits-all, experts are quick to note that successful co-parenting often depends on choosing an arrangement that reflects the age and maturity level of the children involved.

For very young children, experts say, stability is key. The child needs to feel safe and secure and this is achieved by spending long stretches with one parent. Frequent changing back and forth between parents can be disruptive and lead to severe stress and anxiety in young children and should be avoided in nearly every case.

As children enter into elementary school, shuttling back and forth between parents and houses can increase, though always with an eye towards the maturity level of the individual child. At this age alternating every few days between the parents may work well and ensure a more equitable balance of custodial time while avoiding depriving the child of time with either parent for long stretches.

Finally, teenagers can spend even longer periods of time with one parent before rotating, perhaps one week with mom and one week with dad.

Pick your battles

One of the hardest parts of making joint child custody arrangements work is getting over the painful emotions that the divorce brought out. You may be angry with your ex, possibly due to an affair or because of years of accumulated disappointments. Though it can be hard to separate the idea of your spouse as a partner from the idea of your spouse as a parent, it is a crucial step to make joint parenting work.

No matter how lousy he or she was as a spouse, your ex can still be a wonderful mother or father to your child. Allowing your anger or hurt feelings to get in the way of that is not only unfair to your ex, but also to your child who will be best served by spending time with both parents.

Once the joint custodial arrangement is underway, it is crucial to avoid nitpicking your former spouse. Sure, you may wish the kids got to bed a few minutes earlier or that they took better snacks to school or that their clothes were from a different store.

These are all minor annoyances and should not be escalated into big problems. Save your fights for the truly important things and endeavor to let the small stuff roll off your back.

Be flexible

A final bit of advice for those trying to make joint custodial arrangements work is to remain flexible. Figuring out how to raise children with a former spouse is a new and confusing adventure and not one you should expect to have perfected immediately. It will take some trial and error to get a feel for how the arrangement will best succeed and you should give things time to shake out. If, after several months, you notice that the schedule isn’t quite right or that the pick up and drop off location isn’t working, change things.

Rather than viewing the custodial arrangement as being forever frozen in time, view it instead as something that is flexible and dynamic and can change to accommodate changed circumstances.

Experience Minnesota Joint Custody Attorneys

An experienced Minnesota family law attorney can help walk you through the difficult process of divorce, including offering advice on confusing financial issues such as alimony and helping negotiate emotional subjects like child custody arrangements. For more information on divorce in Minnesota, along with a variety of other topics, contact Joseph M. Flanders of Flanders Law Firm at 612-424-0398.

Source: “Co-Parenting Tips for Divorced Parents,” published at HelpGuide.org.